A Peek into StarClan (Parody)
by Echoshadowlikespotatoes
Summary: Want to take a peek into StarClan? Go on ahead and read! Warning: Contains excessive amounts of insanity.
1. Chapter 1

Bluestar, Yellowfang and Whitestorm were huddled around a large machine, which was clanking in a disturbing manner.

Bluestar twisted a knob with her paw. "Would you like his fur to be light brown?"

Whitestorm grunted, propping up his spectacles. "No. You know I'm short-sighted. I wouldn't be able to recognise him if you put it as light brown."

"Why would you want to recognise him? Are you a stalker?" Yellowfang stared at him.

"Yeah, he is, but that's besides the point." Bluestar told Yellowfang. "He's the guy involved in the Prophecy. Whitestorm needs to be able to recognise him."

Yellowfang gasped. "He is?"

"Of course! Didn't you follow _StarClanProphecies_ on Pawbook?"

"I didn't."

"Follow it. It has all the prophecies, past, present and future."

Whitestorm interrupted their conversation. "Hey, can his fur be green? Like, neon green?"

Bluestar nodded approvingly. "Of course. That's recognisable. Though I'm not sure if this Birth Machine can tailor him to be green..." She added doubtfully.

"Of course it can!" Yellowfang leaned over, hacked into the machine's system, and changed his fur to a neon green with LED lights all over him. "Is that better?"

Bluestar shuddered. "He looks like an alien."

Yellowfang shook her head. "Not yet." She Started cranking knobs and pushing levers. Whitestorm cheered.

Bluestar covered her face with her paws and sighed.


	2. Chapter 2

A RiverClan cat padded through the clouds. He had just died. He would miss his sister, but he would finally be in StarClan. He kinked his tail across his back cheerfully and continued.

Soon, he approached a metal gate. "Hi." The cat at the gate, a she-cat with a bunch of strips of paper, greeted. "What Clan are-excuse me, _were_ you from?"

"RiverClan." He looked bemused.

She passed him a slip marked with a 'R'. As he took it, the she-cat pressed a button at the gate, and it swung open.

"Go through it and head to Counter 4." The she-cat waved him through. "Oh, and please cooperate with the attendants there." She added.

The RiverClan cat nodded confusedly and padded through the gates, arriving at a line of counters. He went to Counter 4.

The attendant there propped up his spectacles. "Name?"

"What?"

"What is your name?"

"Oh, Rippleleap." The RiverClan cat told the attendant.

He took up a pencil and ran it don a list of names. "Ah. Rippleleap of RiverClan, 33 moons old, died of battle with WindClan, right?"

Rippleleap felt a little creeped out. "Uh-huh."

The attendant frowned. "Hmm...StarClan wasn't expecting you to be here for 2 minutes and 54 seconds."

"Well, be glad I'm here early, then." Rippleleap snapped snarkily.

"Now, Rippleleap, I see the Assigning Machine has assigned you to be in the Land of Tacos. I'll get someone to guide you to the Land of Tacos. I hope you don't mind someone unfamiliar. We usually reserve those familiar cats for the VICs." The attendant blew a whistle and a sand-coloured apprentice bounded out.

As Rippleleap followed the apprentice to the 'Land of Tacos', Rippleleap couldn't help but ask, "What are VICs?"

His guide stared at him, mouth opened. "Are you _new_?" He asked incredulously. "Oh right, you are. They are the Very Important Cats, like leaders, deputies, meddie cats, etc.." Rippleleap blinked at his guide, even more confused.

"Okay, here we are." The apprentice stopped at a place piled up high with awesome food. "This is the Land of Tacos. And those are tacos. I'm gonna give you something to eat, and you must eat it, okay? To become a StarClan cat."

"Fine." Rippleleap gulped down the herb that his guide set down in front of him. Immediately, his fur sparkled and he floated slightly above the ground, just like the apprentice.

"Oh, and it's magic catmint, by the way." The apprentice informed him. "I think I told him a little too late..." He muttered as Rippleleap started cartwheeling towards the pile of tacos, screeching like a banshee.

Rippleleap had a sudden catmint high, and he burrowed into the pile of tacos, devouring any tacos in his way. Nothing had ever tasted so good.


	3. Chapter 3

The overly-irritable bus driver blew his whistle. "Keep in your seats!" He yowled at the kits, who were bounding around in the bus playfully. "We will be going to the Land of Popping Candy next!" Being kits, the kits naturally ignored him.

He fumed and drove the bus off. It wasn't easy giving irritating StarClan kits a tour.

As the bus neared a river, he told them, "This is the River that separates the Land of Popping Candy from the Land of Cotton Candy. Now, get you butts out of here and explore!" He shooed them off the bus and then followed out.

The kits were playing in the river. The bus driver growled. "This is property of the Land of Popping Candy." He warned. "Treat it carefully." He then settled down beside the river with a bucket of popping candy.

He watched the kits splash around in the river. Dawnkit, who lived here, was scolding he other kits. "No, don't play here! Go eat the popping candy! It's just over there!" She pointed to a large mound of something, which was a few miles away.

Being kits, the other kits naturally ignored her, and started spraying water at each other.

The bus driver smirked evilly. He reached into the bucket of popping candy and flicked some popping candy towards the river. As the popping candy landed in the water, they popped and water exploded onto Stripekit's face. She muttered incoherently and shook the water off.

The bus driver nearly choked with laughter.

Then he had an idea.

He climbed up onto a nearby tree hanging above the river, and dangled on a branch, holding to the bucket. Then he waited for the kits to get tired.

Eventually, they did. Soaking in the pool, their eyes were narrowed to slits in pleasure.

"Hey, you shouldn't soak too long. Your fur will get pruny." One of the former RiverClan kits, Mudkit, advised mockingly.

"What's that?" The formerly WindClan kit who was spoken to was startled.

Mudkit sighed. "You will look like an elder. You know, wrinkles and all."

The formerly WindClan kit appeared deeply horrified.

The bus driver blocked out the kits' annoying conversation. Carefully, he began emptying the popping candy into the river.

It was disastrous. Kits squealed in horror as 'underwater explosions' rocketed across the river. Water sprayed on to them from every direction. They floundered around in the water, trying to dodge the explosions, but the popping candy kept on popping.

Satisfied, the bus driver climbed down with his bucket, laid down on the riverbank and pretended to sleep.

As he heard a plaintive kit's mew, he sat up. "I need to make dirt. Could I go?" A bedraggled Dawnkit asked him.

"Sure." He replied, knowing Dawnkit would spend some time guzzling down popping candy.

Then he had another idea. When Dawnkit was gone, he turned to the other kits, who were panting from the onslaught of 'attacks'. "Hey, I can help you protect yourself from the attacks. Dry yourselves first." They did so obediently.

Then he started smearing popping candy on them. "What is this?" Grasskit squeaked.

"Protection." He repeated gruffly. "Don't eat it. It's slightly poisonous."

All the kits looked dismayed.

He then made them climb to the top of the tree he had climbed earlier. "Drop down into the water." He instructed, trying to look patient and kind. "That would frighten the enemy. On each blow of my whistle, the kit just above the water will drop down. The rest will move up a place, until there are no more kits left on the branch. Understood?" Everyone nodded.

"What 'bout Dawnkit?" A kit piped up.

"I'll tend to her later. Not her fault she's gotta make dirt." He responded, then whipped out a whistle from out of nowhere and blew.

The first kit, nearly unrecognisable under the popping candy, dropped into the river. A wall of water rose with a great explosion, and smashed onto the kit. He poked his face above the geyser and spluttered.

As he blew the whistle rapidly, he bent over with laughter. Kits flapped their paws around in the water, while water shot up randomly. Bits of popping candy hopped around.

What made it all the more funny was that the river was as deep as the length ofhis paw.

The kits stomped up and grabbed him. Tiny claws dug into his shoulders, his back etcera. They marched him to the river and dunked him into the water, growling in fury.

Immediately, he was blown sky-high by a geyser of water. "Aaaaah!" He screeched.

The kits waved at him happily. "Bye! We won't miss you!" They hopped onto the bus and drove off.

Only to smash into the same tree they had climbed.

"Shoot."

Massive understatement.


	4. Chapter 4

"Good morning, everyone! For today's med-cat talk show, we will be inviting a very old medicine cat to share her knowledge with all of us! Everyone welcome Sagewhisker!" A white she-cat padded up to the stage.

Spottedleaf and her meddie cat friends were reclined on cushy armchairs in Spottedleaf's living room. Yellowfang raised an eyebrow. "Sagewhisker's not old. She's my mentor."

"And you are pretty old too, aren't you, Yellowfang?" Barkface countered thoughtfully.

Mudfur grunted and tapped on his phone.

"Hi, everyone! Today we're going to talk about the eyes." Sagewhisker told everyone brightly. "Celandine is usually good, but if you need, get spectacles! You can get a pair at..."

Littlecloud turned the TV off. "That's not true. Sagewhisker's just doing an ad for the local specs shop."

"Yeah. The show's distorted with untrue stuff, all because of adverts!" Yellowfang whined. "Who says specs are better than celandine? Specs cover the problem, wheras celandine solves it! Duh! The lady on the show is an idiot!"

Spottedleaf rubbed her back comfortingly. "Shh...ladies don't throw tantrums."

Yellowfang stared at her weirdly. "I'm not a lady."

A gasp emerged from Mudfur. "Then what are you?!" He exclaimed, putting a paw over his chest. "Sorry, I'm over-reacting."

"Indeed." came the snarkish reply of Yellowfang. "I am a cowgirl."

Littlecloud did a great show of looking her up and down. "You don't look like a cow."

Spottedleaf nearly spluttered.

"Can we go to Spottedleaf's room? I would like to see her room." Barkface asked curiously. All the cats in StarClan always pictured Spottedleaf's room as a comfortable room filled with massage chairs, bathed in warm orange light, with a light scent of perfume in the air.

Spottedleaf nodded happily. "C'mon, gentlemen and cowgirl!"

Everyone followed her as she opened the door to her room, and everyone's jaw dropped at the same time (literally). As Spottedleaf handed Littlecloud his jaw, which had rolled off to one side, everyone could only stare.

Spottedleaf's room was strewn with pictures of Firestar.

Firestar's photographs, roughly-coloured drawings of him, blurry pictures of him painted in watercolour, you name it.

"Shucks." Spottedleaf muttered. Then she raised her voice. "Go on in! Don't mind the mess." As she plastered a fake smile on her face, she ushered them in.

She then switched on the computer. The wallpaper of Firestar made Mudfur faint.

"Let's have some personality tests!" She found some on the web. The first question asked: Who do you like?

The four options were Spottedleaf, Dustpelt, Firestar and others.

"Trust me, click 'Spottedleaf'." Yellowfang the Cowgirl advised. "Being a narcissist is better than loving Firestar."

Spottedleaf glared at her and clicked 'Firestar'."

"Hmm..." Barkface, Mudfur, and Littlecloud intoned together when they saw Spottedleaf's choice. "Never mind! Continue!" They sighed hopelessly.

The next question: Are you afraid of heights?

Spottedleaf clicked 'Yes, very!'

The last question: What is your favourite colour?

Spottedleaf, naturally, clicked 'Orange' much to everyone's annoyance.

Then she submitted the quiz.

The results, churned out in a second, portrayed a cat face with a raised eyebrow. The text below said: You really like Firebrat, do you?

Everyone guffawed in laughter except Spottedleaf, who fumed.

Below in small letters, added: You are Spottedleaf, aren't you?

Spottedleaf fainted. Completely.

Barkface leaned over and typed in the comments section: Hey, Spottedleaf died of shock 'cause this quiz told her that she was Spottedleaf.

A minute later, a reply popped up. "YESSHH! Let's celebrate! She's gone! Signed, Firestar."

Littlecloud glanced between the screen and Spottedleaf, and slowly began to shake his head.

"Poor Spottedleaf." Yellowfang sighed.

"Poor Firestar." Littlecloud corrected.

"Why?"

"Firestar had to put up with a brat like her! What can I say?"

"Hmm..."

"She made you angry at her like, a gazillion times! Gah!"

"True that."


	5. Chapter 5

**Aaaah! I'm so sorry! I haven't been really active for a long time, have I? Although I'm gonna be really busy these days-homework's piling in :(**

 **Oh, and this is part of a 'two-shot' or something like that. It has two parts.**

* * *

Five StarClan kits and apprentice prowled around the ThunderClan camp before the sun had even risen. Or rather, _bounced_.

Frostpaw peered around worriedly. "Do you have your invisibility potion with you, Otterkit?"

Otterkit glanced at her, then adjusted his nerdy spectacles, which slid off immediately again. "Yeah, I have enough for four."

"Four?" Frostpaw hissed. "That's not enough! We need five!"

"Wolf Wing is an Ancient." Otterkit pointed out. "She's really faded. Nobody would notice her."

Frostpaw muttered something but didn't object.

"Are we ready?" Dapplekit asked in an undertone. Her brother, Owlkit, stared at Otterkit impatiently with his rounded owl eyes.

"Yeah, yeah..." Otterkit poured the potion into four cups and handed one each to Frostpaw, Dapplekit and Owlkit.

"Bottoms up!" They cheered softly, careful not to alert the warriors in the camp, and drank the potion. They still looked the same.

Frostpaw glared at Otterkit.

Otterkit raised his paws. "Hey! Calm down! I created this potion such that we would still see each other, but no warrior could! Chillax before steam pours out of your ears!"

Frostpaw gave one last stare.

"Honestly, I would really like to see her get boiled. Literally." Owlkit muttered under his breath.

As Frostpaw called for everyone's attention, she briefed them on the hotspots to visit. "We'll meet back here when the sun cast its last rays on the ground." She glanced between them for a moment. "Have a Happy Spree Day!"

At that, everyone pranced away.

* * *

Dapplekit headed for the warriors den, where everyone was still sleeping. She then sneaked into it, letting her footsteps fall silently. One of the warriors, sprawled on the ground, reminded her of-it was Bumblestripe! His tail stuck out temptingly. Dapplekit crept closer, positioning herself beside his tail.

"Now!" She told herself. Quick as a flash, her paw shot out, closed around Bumblestripe's tail and jerked it forcefully. The reaction was immediate. Bumblestripe reared backwards, yelping and thrashing wildly. When Dapplekit released her paw, he crashed to the ground with an oomph.

Laughing to herself, she flew over to the other side of the den with the wings she had recently bought at Flightt Shoppe. She reached a more senior warrior, Ivypool. The she-cat slept in an uncomfortable position, back arched and front paws pressed to the ground. Dapplekit's paw shot out and tickled Ivypool's stomach. Ivypool jolted awake, falling to her side, but Dapplekit kept on tickling. Ivypool let out choked giggles. "Stop...stop..."

Dapplekit smirked, and grew ambitious. Within minutes, she stared down at Brambleclaw's brown pelt. Without thinking too much, she pounced on Brambleclaw. He screeched and leapt to his paws, wide awake. His fur was ruffled.

"Everyone! We have an emergency! The Clan has been attacked! We must proceed with all emergency plans!" Bramblestar yowled, waking everyone. "Alpha Group! Skirt the right side of Base Camp for intruders! Beta Group, take the left side! Omega Group, you take the middle! I wil evacuate the rest to Temporary Camp!" He marched out, paws clomping on the ground, and everyone except the three groups followed him, marching orderly. All except Poppyfrost, who was putting on lipstick.

* * *

Frostpaw followed, or rather stalked, Firestar to a meeting with the other Clan leaders.

When they reached there, the other Clan leaders were already present. "Finally." Rowanstar sighed. "Take a seat."

Frostpaw slipped somthing under Firestar as Firestar sat down. The result: A large sound erupted from Firestar's rear end.

Firestar turned crimson.

Frostpaw nodded in relief. Her invisible whoopee cushion had worked.

Mistystar pretended to daydream.

"Leaving that aside...we have a prophecy to discuss." Onestar diverted the group's attention tactfully. "The moon shall break a sacred promise, and a one-winged eagle will lead us from danger."

Rowanstar pinned his gaze on Onestar. "Don't you have a warrior named Eaglewing?"

"Yeah, but that's not important, isn't it?" Onestar snorted.

"It might." Mistystar pointed out. Then her eyes widened. "Wait, you mean Eaglewing has wings?"

Firestar cheered like the delusional kitty he was. "Chicken wings? I like the fried ones a lot!"

Onestar sighed. "No, rabbit-brains."

"I don't think they have brains." Rowanstar corrected Onestar smugly.

Frostpaw took her lighter and lighted Firestar's nose. A flame danced merrily there. She spoke in a gloomy tone. "Beware, Fire of the Stars, for though you blaze like the fire, it can still destroy you. But fear not; your path is scrawled in the stars. Messily too, I might add."

She made a rowan tree drop on Rowanstar for extra emphasis.

"Did you know that Onestar's warrior name was Onewing? Surely, there must be something there that you can use." She advised, covering Onestar's mouth.

She then turned to Mistystar. "You, as the only female leader, has a great responsibility. You have to control all these male morons. I know not all males are like them, but it's horrifying what leadership can do to these bunch of cats."

The Clan leaders eyed each other. There was no denying it; there was a StarClan cat amongst them.

Mistystar collapsed onto the ground, placing her paws in front of her. "Is that you, my mate?" She breathed.

"Can't you hear? The voice is female!" Onestar threw his hands up in frustration.

Firestar gasped. "Her mate is _female_?"

Rowanstar and Onestar side-eyed each other silently.

The whole ThunderClan marched orderly up to them, breaking the silence.

"ThunderClan leader, an intruder has attacked the Clan. We are moving to Temporary Camp. Groups Alpha, Beta and Omega have been sent out." Brambleclaw told Firestar mechanically. The group of ThunderClan cats marched off.

Firestar shouted after them. "Hey, tell Sandstorm I'll be with her in a nano!"

Brambleclaw did not turn his head but flicked his tail.

"Oh, that's just too sad." Rowanstar gushed mockingly.

Firestar growled.

"Okay, let's carry on." Mistystar moaned. "I have a Clan to get back to. So..."

Frostpaw blocked out their ever-so-productive discussion and motioned to Wolf Wing to come out. Wolf Wing nodded to her. "Yeah?" She whispered.

Frostpaw whispered something back.

Wolf Wing nodded. In a loud whisper she uttered, "Will Firestar see us?"

Frostpaw whispered back. "I think he won't notice..."

"Who is that?" Onestar pricked his ears.

"Ooh, Firestar, I do believe you have stalkers." Rowanstar sniggered. "Your apprentices are so well-behaved!" Firestar whipped around, but no one was behind.

"Oh-oh," Frostpaw whispered, making her voice sound desperate.

"We'd better scram!" Wolf Wing forced her voice to tremble frightenedly.

Firestar growled, the sound rolling in the back of his throat.

Wolf Wing and Frostpaw sauntered back to the ThunderClan camp.

* * *

"Hey, is the den done?" Frostpaw demanded.

Owlkit and Otterkit nodded meekly.

Dapplekit trotted out. "What is it you want me to do, Majesty?" She bowed sarcastically.

"Uh, go harass some hunting patrol with Otterkit." Frostpaw waved her paw dismissively.

"What?" Otterkit burst out. "I just finished painting the den in toothpaste!" Wolf Wing raised an eyebrow.

Frostpaw glared at him. "As if that takes energy."

He sighed and plodded after Dapplekit, who bounced out of the entrance.

Soon after, Firestar came back looking utterly exhausted. He padded into the den, lying down for a nap. He didn't even notice the decorations around him.

Wolf Wing peered at the roof, which was covered in cobwebs. "What a pity, he didn't even notice that."

"Or the beautiful mouse stuffed with poppy seeds." Owlkit whined almost mournfully.

"Well, I think Firestar's sleeping already, if that's what you wanted." Frostpaw gave a massive eye roll. "Anyway, I have another idea."

"Your ideas never work." Owlkit looked up at her earnestly.

"Shuddup!" Wolf Wing shoved Owlkit.

Owlkit shut up once Frostpaw told them her idea. It was a good one.

Frostpaw brought out a bottle of melted wax, and started smearing it on Firestar's face. Owlkit squealed in delight, and whipped out lipstick.

"Is that flammable?" Wolf Wing hesitated. Frostpaw glanced at them, nodded shortly, and spread some wax over Firestar's face.

Owlkit happily applied the bright red lipstick on Firestar's mouth.

Wolf Wing pressed two slices of cucumber on Firestar's eyes. "I hope it sticks." She worried.

"It will once the wax hardens."

"Right."


	6. Chapter 6

**Hi all, I'm really sorry, but I'm putting this on hiatus since like I am drowning in homework. Sorry all! But please, don't delete this story from story alert and stuff, since I will be coming back after the exams! Thanks!**

 **For 'compensation', I wrote another chapter...I'm aware it's not very good...but enjoy!**

* * *

Dapplekit and Otterkit creeped after the sunset patrol.

"Where are they going?" Otterkit asked.

Dapplekit stared at him. "Hmm...I don't know. And try to stay quiet."

"Oh, very helpful." Otterkit muttered.

The patrol, comprising of Poppyfrost, Dovewing and Molewhisker, headed into the forests. Dovewing was prattling away. "I love fur underwears! They can really keep the cold out in winter!"

"Whose fur?" Molewhisker looked slightly disturbed.

Poppyfrost stared at the sky, trying not to laugh.

Dapplekit plucked a bunch of leaves and made a rough underwear out of it. She wore it. Otterkit was deeply horrified.

"Stay here and keep quiet. Watch me." She hissed to him, then stepped in front of Dovewing. "Hi! I'm your future kit!"

Dovewing looked interested. "What's your name?"

"Raspberrytart." Dapplekit told her.

"I named you that?" Dovewing recoiled from Dapplekit.

Dapplekit nodded solemnly. "Your mate wasn't very smart." She eyed Dovewing knowingly.

"How'd you know I was dating kittypet toms?"

Dapplekit face-pawed so hard there was a paw-shaped dent in her face.

Poppyfrost gasped. "I shall call the police!"

"No you shan't." Dovewing growled.

Poppyfrost sighed.

"What's that you're wearing?" Molewhisker ventured cautiously.

Dapplekit smiled sweetly. "Leaf underwears!" She chattered way-too-brightly. "They're all the rage in the future."

Dovewing looked amazed.

Poppyfrost, who was staring into her pocket mirror, raised an eyebrow, then gasped, applying eyebrow liner hastily.

Molewhisker merely asked, "Do you know who will marry me?"

Dapplekit assumed a thinking face, then told him, "A rabbit by the name of Stalker. Farewell!" She hopped back into the woods.

"They can see me now! The potion is draining away!" Dapplekit hissed. "But still, you should have seen how I trolled them!"

"Yeah." Otterkit raised his eyes to the sky and sighed. "Now we'll be hearing of your smart-ness, blah blah blah..."

* * *

"Good morning, Firestar!" Frostpaw told the flame-coloured leader, who had just woken up from his nap. "Time to impress everyone!" She knew they could be faintly seen by others

"Whaa..." Firestar stared at her blearily. "Who are you?"

"Oh, I'm Shadowlight, Chief of Make-Over Companies, and these are my two lovely assistants." Frostpaw grinned casually.

Firestar nodded. "You gave me a make-over?"

"Yeah."

"Okay."

"Now you need to go out."

"Why?"

"Just announce something! Impress the girls!" Frostpaw lost patience.

"Alright." Firestar sashayed out of his den and onto the Highrock. The entire Clan fell over in laughter at his mask. Two pieces of cucumber were stuck over his eyes, and a wax mask was coated on his face. Bright red lipstick smeared the lower half, and the cucumber had...mascara? Everyone choked and giggled at the sight, especially the girls.

"I've never seen lipstick applied so badly!" Brightheart chortled.

"Oh my StarClan, look at the mascara..." Ivypool gasped.

The patrol came back with the two StarClan kits behind.

Poppyfrost fainted dead in horror, while the others raised an eyebrow collectively and sat down.

Meanwhile, back on the stage, Wolf Wing lit Firestar's face.

The effect was awesome with the wax. Firestar's face blazed like an inferno, especially where the ever-so-flammable lipstick once was. It looked like he was breathing out fire.

"Magic!" Cloudtail screeched. "Hail the Fire of the Stars!"

"StarClan!" Dustpelt fell to the floor, and Hollyleaf followed. "We will follow you!"

Firestar was still burning.

Frostpaw gathered all the StarClan cats together. "So we disappear now, eh?"

"Aren't we s'pposed to meet somewhere?" Owlkit asked.

Frostpaw shrugged. "Well, since we're all here, we don't even need that. So, disappear?"

"Yeah." Everyone nodded.

The happy pranksters were poofed back to StarClan.

Leaving ThunderClan in chaos.


	7. Chapter 7

"ACTION!" The cameracat boomed, and in a second, all cameras were trained on the five cats, and a bright spotlight shone, illuminating everything within a one-kilometre radius of the table where the five cats were sat.

"Good morning, everyone! Welcome to _StarClan News Daily_. It's me, Thunder, and the five other cats next to me are Wind, Shadow, Mothflight, River and Silverhawk!" An orange tom greeted cheerily, amber eyes gleaming. The other five cats had a range of reactions, ranging from Wind nodding tersely, to Silverhawk growling, and to Mothflight, who simply stared at a distance, batting her paw at something unseen.

"Mothflight, you may start first." Thunder continued, flashing a kind smile at Mothflight.

Mothflight ignored him. "Wings...fly...catch..." She muttered something inaudible under her breath. Silverhawk snorted in laughter and patted the arm of his chair, smirking.

" _Mothflight._ Earth to Mothflight! Uggh. Don't make me call Micah in again." Thunder waved a paw in front of her, looking flustered.

At the sound of her mate's name, Mothflight immediately sat up straight. "Micah!" She purred sweetly, then frowned as she squinted at Thunder. "You don't look like Micah."

"Well, duh." Silverhawk whispered scornfully to himself, examining his over-sized claws with a bored air.

Thunder nodded to Mothflight, a forced smile pasted over his face. "You're up to report for StarClan."

"Oh!" Mothflight sighed. "Sure. For StarClan...All is well." A picture of a beautiful meadow flashed across the wall behind her. The meadow was filled with chocolate, and beside it was a large chocolate-coloured river, which had spilled its banks. "However, the Chocolate River in the Land of Chocolate is overflowing, which may be good for the irrigation of chocolate flowers nearby." The projection zoomed in onto some of the flowers, which were also chocolate-coloured.

"Also, there have been a band of vandalisers around in the Land of All Candies. They love to vandalise candies with icing. Still, we think this can make way for a new type of candy, the icing candy. It will probably be ready in three months time." Mothflight snapped her claws, and the projection changed to that of candies slathered with words made of icing. Some said 'Better than you', some said 'Beat that, flea-pelts', and some simply said 'Potacow'.

"Eh-hem, Mothflight, what's a Potacow?" Shadow coughed discreetly.

Mothflight took a deep breath, trying to compose herself. "Well...a potacow's a mix between a potato and a cow. It's hard to explain, really. We think somehow the potatoes mated with the cows and boom! Out came the first few potacows. It's just like how a piece of sparkling butter, aka. Dawnsparkle, mated with a cat, Jayfeather, and came up with a buttercat, and a Starkit-Sue at that. That's the thing with science, you just can't tell what will happen."

"Excuse me, what's science?" Shadow asked, looking beyond confused.

Before Mothflight could open her mouth, however, Wind covered Mothflight's mouth. "Mothflight shall answer your question after the session." Wind announced loudly to Shadow. "We're running out of time. Anything else, Mothflight?"

Mothflight read down her list of news, which was half a page long. "Well, if you don't count the part about a bus driver being jailed for harassing kits with moist popping candy, and a bunch of apprentices terrorising ThunderClan, then that's all, folks."

A cat suddenly jumped out, strumming a ukelele and singing "That's all, folks!" at the top of his voice. Everyone stared at him, with the exception of Wind, who shoved him away roughly and turned to face the cameras again. "I'll be next." She declared brusquely, as everyone's shocked gazes rested on her.

"For WindClan, there is nothing much. An elder died, four kits were born, and blah blah blah. End of report." Wind intoned in a mechanical voice, then flashed a smile at the camera, teeth bared. It was the creepiest smile the cameras had ever seen, and they shrieked in fear.

"Aaaaaaaaahhhh!" Camera One screeched. Camera Two truied to calm it down, but he continued screeching until one of the other cameras shot him with an imaginary gun. Camera One collapsed to the ground dramatically. With one less camera, the show continued.

"Never much with words, aren't you, Wind?" Thunder joked.

Wind glared at him. "Of course, unlike you with your big fat mouth. I'm surprised you haven't drowned your homeland with your spittle yet."

"Definitely, Wind, because I live in the Land of Popping Candy, and the Popping Candy would absorb all the spittle that flew out of my mouth."

"And the popping candy would explode?"

"Yeah."

"Then I'm very surprised the Land of Popping Candy hasn't had an explosion that destroyed the whole darn piece of land yet!"

"Well, for those popping candy that has suffered the terrible wrath of my spit, I ship them to the Land of Sweet Explosions and Fireworks. For money."

"Oh, _really_ , huh."

"Yeah! That's why I'm a billionaire, and the Land of Sweet Explosions and Fireworks is so popular for its explosions nowadays! Everyone knows the Land of Sweet Explosions and Fireworks."

Shadow raised a paw hesitantly. "I haven't."

"Hah! See, Thunder? You lied!" Wind tried to dance around the table but crashed immediately. "Wait, where's my pole?" She looked confused. The other cats shook their heads as they came to the realisation that Wind was trying to _pole-dance_.

Thunder looked confused too, peering at Shadow with his eyebrows furrowed. "Hang on, Shadow. Of course you've heard of the Land of Sweet Explosions and Fireworks. Wind and I had an entire conversation about it!"

Shadow nodded placidly. "Makes sense..."

Wind stalked over to them sassily, suddenly abandoning her usual rough demeanour. "That's not counted!" She pointed a claw at Thunder, looking beyond offended.

Wind jumped onto Thunder and both of them started clawing each other.

"Cut!" One of the cameras yowled. "What do you think you are doing, idiots! This show is rated K+! Stop what you are doing, drop and roll!"

"Roll? For what? Isn't that the fire drill?!" River stared at the camera weirdly.

"Oh." The camera looked ashamed. "Okay. But STOPPPPP, you flea-brained idiots!"

Silverhawk assumed a contemplative position, a claw tapping his chin with surprising grace. "Mmmm...so, unnamed camera, you get to hurl T-rated insults at us, but we don't get to fight. Interesting logic you got there, unnamed camera." He mused.

The unnamed camera scowled. "Hey, 'flea-brained idiot' isn't a T-rated insult! It's a K+-rated insult! Get a life!"

Silverhawk stood up suddenly, knocking his chair back with a gigantic crash. "There you go again, unnamed camera! Hurling a T-rated insult at us!"

The unnamed camera face-pawed with a non-existent paw. "How do I explain this?" It muttered.

Wind, who had pinned Thunder down, groaned. "In the first place, this story is rated T and not K+!" She was being helpful. For the first time. Everyone gasped dramatically, sprawling on the floor like dead cats.

Wind pumped a fist in the air. "Yes! I rule the world!"

 _StarClan News Daily_ had just turned into a drama series.


	8. Chapter 8

**There we go again...I don't blame you if you hate this chapter.**

* * *

"Action!" The cameracat yowled.

"No, no, no..." Nightslash murmured, smoothing down a tuft of his fur that was sticking out. "I'm not ready!" He wailed as the tuft of fur poked up again rebelliously.

"Oh, just give up. Lemme delete this scene..." The cameracat sighed. "Right? Ready? Oh, I don't care."

"Lights!"

 _The lights intensified their glow._

"Cameras!"

 _The cameras reluctantly focused their gazes on the disheveled host._

"Aaannddd..."

 _"Just get on with it already!" Nightslash hissed._

"Action!"

"Welcome, one and all, to the Warriors Got Talent Show!" Nightslash announced loudly to the audience, which were all yawning lazily.

Seeing the oh-so-interested faces of the audience, the host slumped his shoulders. "Oh well, let's try again. Welcome, one and all, to the Warriors Got Talent Show, _StarClan_ _Edition_!"

Everyone sat up straight, eyes brightening with interest.

"First, let me introduce myself. I am Nightslash, your host. The judges are Ivypool, Sagewhisker and Leafshine!" The host gestured at the three cats seated at the podium in front of the stage.

Murmurs of confusion rose from the audience.

"Who is Leafshine?"

"Leafshine? Never heard of her before."

"It's a he."

"How would _you_ know?

"Well then, smartypants, why would Leafshine be a female?"

"Because it is _definitely_ possible for a tom to have 'shine' as a suffix to his name?"

"Of course it is! If the leader of Leafshine's Clan is a cataclysmic failure at giving warrior names, that is..."

"You mean just like Firestar?"

"Yup! Hey, come to think of it, Mosskit's gender was unknown too, right?"

"Eh, yeah...Bluestar couldn't have been very smart...Maybe all leaders become stupid when they become leaders?"

"It's the Erins' fault for Mosskit's unknown gender, really. And it's not that all leaders become stupid, they had to be stupid to become leaders! HA! HA!"

"Ahahaha, but then why isn't Bumblestripe a leader? He isn't the brightest bulb in the ThunderClan chandelier, after all..."

"Because, you turdhead, Firestar's already leader, and Firestar is a way bigger idiot than Bumblestripe."

"And Firestar has a way bigger ego than Bumblestripe."

"Uhh, that depends..."

"If you didn't notice, _dear_ innit, no one has a bigger ego than Firestar."

"StarGleam."

"What?"

"StarGleam has a bigger ego than Firestar."

"Oh, really."

"SILENCE! SILENCE, CATS!" Nightslash yowled, stamping the ground. The audience fell silent after 1. whole. minute. "Leafshine is a female, and that's that." The audience remained quiet, some nodding and some glaring at Nightslash.

Nightslash nodded, satisfied. "Okay. The first performance is by...Yellowfang."

Yellowfang strode onto the stage, oblivious to the cats' wide-eyes stares. "Hi, kitties, I'm gonna sing. I'll be singing-" She was cut off by two of the judges pressing a button each. Instantly, two flashing red 'X's appeared high up on the stage.

"Why did 'cha do that?" Leafshine looked confused, her paw hovering over the button uncertainly.

Sagewhisker looked grim. "Yellowfang's singing is terrible. I heard her sing once at a Medicine Cat Karaoke Session. We had to treat each others' deaf ears." Sagewhisker shuddered.

Ivypool nodded. "Eh, I haven't heard Yellowfang's singing yet, but based on her crackly, rough voice, you can tell her singing voice will be far from mellifluous."

Leafshine wrung her paws together. "Let's give Yellowfang a chance. i know that sounds like a death wish, but still." She gestured for Yellowfang to continue.

Yellowfang, looking put out, continued. "I'll be singing Baby by Justin Bieber."

Leafshine slammed the button, and then pressed it repeatedly. "That's it! _That's_ it!"

"Uhh, I forgot to tell you how...how _interesting_ Yellowfang's song choices were..." Sagewhisker stammered, looking guilty. Leafshine sighed. "Even though you made that awful, unforgivable mistake, I'll still forgive you...

Nightslash placed a firm paw on Yellowfang's back, ushering her off the stage. "I'm sorry, Yellowfang, but you'll have to leave. After all, this show _is_ for the talented..."

Yellowfang snarled but exited the stage. The audience heaved a sigh of relief, some of them issuing thumbs-ups to the judges.

Nightslash grinned. "And next on the list is Dreamspark. She's a Mary-Sue."

A small white-and-brown she-cat stood up immediately. "I _must_ launch a complaint. You say this is StarClan edition, yet a Mary-Sue is here! Last time I checked, Mary-Sues were not allowed in the sacred land of StarClan."

"Ehh..." Nightslash stuttered. "Are you sure, kitty?"

"Never been surer," The she-cat snapped back. "Even though I've only been in StarClan for, like, 3.141592653589793238462643383279502884197 days, I'm very sure. And my name is Wavesnow, thanks for asking."

Nightslash growled. "Huh. You expect me to believe you? Is the Chief Director of StarClan here among the audience today?"

A mottled tom with dull gold eyes raised his paw. "The Chief Director of StarClan, Mothflight, and her Secretary, Micah, is not present today. However, I am the Vice-Chief Director of StarClan. My name is Sharpshine. How may I help you?"

The audience burst out into furious muttering again.

"See? Even toms' names can have the suffix of 'shine'!"

"And it sounds decent, eh."

"His leader must have been a complete dolt."

"So his leader is Firestar?"

"I don't know."

"There is a 99% chance of it being true..."

Nightslash stared at Sharpshine, looking beyond happy. "Yes! So tell me, Your Honour, are Mary-Sues allowed in StarClan?"

Sharpshine blinked at Nightslash in an owlish manner, then adjusted his non-existent glasses and pulled out a large tome. Dumping it on his lap, he flipped through it hurriedly, coughing every now and then. "Ah, here it is. According to the Book of Guidelines and Rules to StarClan, Page 583, Rule #2661, it says this. No creature with different eye colour or fur colour than the natural colours of eye and fur for cats are allowed to step into the sacred grounds of StarClan. Examples of such prohibited creatures are: Supercats, Mary-Sues and Gary Stus.

"Aha!" Wavesnow did a victory dance. "There you go, Nightslash! So _out_ you go, Dreamspark! Next please, next please, up you go!" She did a shoving motion with her paws in the direction of the stage.

Nightslash hissed, just like one of those queens in a mood swing.

Wavesnow hissed back, undeterred.

Sagewhisker stood up, coughing to get everyone's attention. "I think we should give Dreamspark a chance, should we not?" She inquired gently.

"It would be possible..." Sharpshine conceded, closing the Book of Guidelines and Rules to StarClan with a thud

The whole auditorium quietened. Silence filled the room as everyone decided whether to give Dreamspark a chance.

 _Aaaaaannnnddddd_...the silence was broken by a teensy-weensy moan from a silverfish that had been smashed when Sharpshine closed the book.

"Awkward..." Leafshine whispered.

Ivypool, who had her legs propped up on the table in front of her, said nothing, simply removing the pipe from her mouth, peeking into it boredly through her right eye, and shoving in into her mouth again to take another puff.

Dreamspark tottered onto the stage, sparkly fur perfectly curled in place. "I vould like it if ya gave me a chance." She blinked innocently at everyone, whose hearts melted instantly like the wax of a lit candle. Wavesnow flattened her ears aggresively and fitted earmuffs over them.

"I suppose we could give her a chance...I suppose...ehehehehe..." Nightslash cooed.

Sharpshine groaned. "Oh, fine. Dreamspark, what do you wanna do today?"

Dreamspark smiled at everyone. "I don't vant everyone to tink dat Mary-Sues are all pah-fect and naize, so Imma gonna do somethin' dat shall blow ya mind."

"Who on earth messed your pronunciation up?" Sharpshine exclaimed.

"The ladyz who cl-eated mee. Anywayy, enouggh of dat, Imma gonna wreck dis place for my performance." Dreamspark announced. Ivypool cackled under her breath [and the pipe in her mouth], and leaned back, crossing her arms. "You can't beat me gangzter, I'll have ya know dat first." She spoke through her pipe.

Dreamspark beamed. "Suree." She suddenly punched the floor beneath her, creating a crack that spiderwebbed across the stage. "Owwww." She hissed, then reached into the stage and pulled out...a knife!

"Aaah!"Everyone screamed. "How did you find that?"

"I reached into the stage..." Dreamspark looked confused. " _Duh_."

Ivypool simply raised both brows. "Go on."

"M'kay." Dreamspark crossed the stage to the podium, where with another punch created another hole, right in front of the judges.

Sagewhisker screeched, her face turning white beneath her already-white fur.

Leafshine tilted her head. "If you're looking to kill us, you're failing miserably."

Ivypool cackled. "Eh, that's the spirit I vant! If you're looking to kill other cats," She reached out a paw. "Join the Ivypool Gang, you'll never regret it."

Leafshine patted Ivypool's paw. "Heh, sure, buddy. But now let's focus on pissing Dreamspark to the point of piss."

"Mmm." They both faced Dreamspark, who had now removed a ruler from the hole in the podium.

Ivypool snorted. "Whaddayathink you gonna do with that? Whack me?"

"No." Dreamspark trotted over to the lecturn, where Nightslash was _supposed_ to stand behind when speaking. She measured 6cm from the top of the lecturn with her ruler, then hacked a small hole in it with her knife and drew out...another knife.

"I have a question." Leafshine stated. "Why would you use your knife to make that small hole when you could use your claws?"

Ivypool snorted. "Because ze sissy cat don't have clawz?"

"Mary-Sues are not allowed to use their claws." Dreamspark mewed plaintively.

"And yet they can wield knives." Leafshine countered.

"They can't, but Dreamspark isn't a Mary-Sue, since neither of her parents are Mary-Sues or Gary Stus." Sharpshine deadpanned.

The audience gasped. "Really? We _totally_ knew this all along! Why didn't you tell us?"

"Well, you guys _did_ say you knew that, right..." Sharpshine muttered dubiously.

Dreamspark collapsed to the ground, beating up the already-broken stage. "WHYYYYYY! I HAVE BEEN LIED TO!"

"Drama queen~" The audience almost sang.

Sharpshine shrugged. "Not my problem. Call Mothflight, my boss, if you wanna kill someone."

Dreamspark continued crying. "Why..."

"Well, if you really want, we could adopt you as a Mary-Sue. It would be a kinda torturous process, but once you're done, you can be a Mary-Sue." Sharpshine peered at Dreamspark over the bronze wire rim of his glasses.

Dreamspark nodded. "Thank you! But what will the process involve?"

"Shaking my paw."

"What? So easy? Okay..." Dreamspark approached Sharpshine and shook his paw. However, during the one-nanosecond span of the pawshake, Sharpshine somehow managed to unsheathe a claw and pierce Dreamspark with it.

" _Owwwwwwwwwwwww..."_ Dreamspark whined.

"Just take it as a knife cut," Sharpshine shrugged. "Now, since you are under my control now, I highly suggest you return to the stage and continue your weird, wayward act."

Dreamspark returned to the stage, leaving a trail of blood behind from her paw.

The moment she stepped onto the cracked stage, Wavesnow growled. "Now you're a Mary-Sue, you can't perform here!"

"I can! You allowed me to!"

"Now I don't. Happy?"

"No!"

"You have to be happy. Accept it, dear, I'm the alpha she-cat."

"No!"

"Yes!"

Dreamspark jumped down the stage while Wavesnow jumped up to the stage. They collided painfully, before sprawling on the ground dramatically, out cold.

Nightslash, brushing the dust off his paws in relief, stepped onto the stage. "Good riddance," He didn't seem to notice the jaws of the audience clattering to the ground from shock. "Random backstage worker, sweep away the two bodies. Now, shall we get onto the next performance?"

* * *

 **Done! I have to admit, it's not very good (uggh).**

 **Cya!**

 **~Echoshadow**


	9. Author's Note

Okay, everyone, just an author's note here.

I really do not know what to do with this story anymore...so I'm letting you guys decide for me! Please, please head over to my profile, where I've set up a poll to ask you people on your opinion of _what to do with this story_.

Fear not, if I discontinue this, I will post one. last. chapter. to bid you nice people farewell. And whatever is the outcome, I will not delete this story.

Thanks so much,

Echoshadow


	10. Poll results hooray

Hi, everyone! So, based on the poll results, I will continue with this story!

Now, I'm in a hurry, so I'll make this quick

Poll results:

Continue - 4

Discontinue and restart - 1 (me!)

Discontinue - 1

Okay! Are you happy with the results? Yay!

Schoolwork is heavier now, so I'll be updating much less often. I'm really sorry about that, but I'll try, okay? Alright! :D

Now, I needa go off, so cya, and best wishes for 2017!

Bluestar: Heyo, 2017 for the win!

 _Bluestar! Shh!_

Anyway...

Cheers...

Echoshadowlikespotatoes :DDDDD

Till morrow's destiny!


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